1 00:00:02,848 --> 00:00:04,813 Oh. Who's that? Hmm? 2 00:00:04,951 --> 00:00:06,400 Who's it in that picture? 3 00:00:06,537 --> 00:00:08,228 Is it Las Vegas legend Buddy Hackett? 4 00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:11,090 No. 5 00:00:11,159 --> 00:00:12,159 It's you! 6 00:00:12,297 --> 00:00:13,537 Look at that! 7 00:00:13,675 --> 00:00:16,159 It's you. It's future phi beta kappa, 8 00:00:16,297 --> 00:00:18,365 Nobel laureate, Pulitzer prize-winning, 9 00:00:18,503 --> 00:00:20,204 President of the United States Mabel Buchman. 10 00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:21,434 What do you think of that? 11 00:00:21,572 --> 00:00:23,020 I'm gonna do it. What's that? 12 00:00:23,159 --> 00:00:24,439 The photo album, I'm gonna do it. 13 00:00:24,503 --> 00:00:25,813 Who said you weren't? 14 00:00:25,951 --> 00:00:27,055 So quit hocking me. 15 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:29,158 Okay. 16 00:00:29,227 --> 00:00:30,227 Are you okay? 17 00:00:30,296 --> 00:00:31,606 I'm fine. Just really dreading 18 00:00:31,744 --> 00:00:33,055 going to this play tonight. 19 00:00:33,192 --> 00:00:34,468 Ah, come on, it's for charity. 20 00:00:34,606 --> 00:00:36,513 All right, stop it. Please stop saying it's for charity 21 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,019 like that puts some happy face on it. 22 00:00:39,158 --> 00:00:40,158 Okay. 23 00:00:40,227 --> 00:00:42,950 I'm having a hair problem. 24 00:00:43,089 --> 00:00:44,606 I'm having a clothing problem, 25 00:00:44,744 --> 00:00:47,468 because suddenly I'm shaped like a Dr. Seuss character. 26 00:00:47,606 --> 00:00:49,641 So I'm not dying to be seen in public right now. 27 00:00:49,779 --> 00:00:50,823 All right, you know, sweetie, 28 00:00:50,847 --> 00:00:52,399 it's gonna be three painless hours. 29 00:00:52,537 --> 00:00:54,572 It's Pirates of Penzance performed by your parents. 30 00:00:56,399 --> 00:00:58,674 Three Excruciating hours, but look at it this way, 31 00:00:58,812 --> 00:01:01,572 you'll get to enjoy the magnificent stage direction 32 00:01:01,709 --> 00:01:02,812 of your husband. 33 00:01:02,950 --> 00:01:04,410 I don't know why you put yourself through it. 34 00:01:04,434 --> 00:01:05,640 Because I'm very charitable. 35 00:01:05,778 --> 00:01:07,685 And you know what? In fact, I got the final rehearsal 36 00:01:07,709 --> 00:01:08,754 in half an hour, so if you don't... 37 00:01:08,778 --> 00:01:09,788 Oh, God! What are you doing? 38 00:01:09,812 --> 00:01:11,158 Oh, God. 39 00:01:11,296 --> 00:01:12,502 What are you doing? 40 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,640 I'm editing. 41 00:01:13,778 --> 00:01:15,123 Honey, honey, these... these... 42 00:01:15,261 --> 00:01:16,719 Is this really what I looked like in the hospital? 43 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,571 Not at all. No. 44 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:21,640 Not at all? 45 00:01:21,743 --> 00:01:23,467 No. No, that... First of all, 46 00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:25,536 that's a crappy lens I was using. 47 00:01:25,674 --> 00:01:27,571 And the lighting was... It was terrible. 48 00:01:27,709 --> 00:01:28,823 And, you know, the hospital gowns, 49 00:01:28,847 --> 00:01:30,305 they give you that little horizontal pattern? 50 00:01:30,329 --> 00:01:31,788 You don't recognize it but in photographs, 51 00:01:31,812 --> 00:01:32,812 it brings your eye 52 00:01:32,916 --> 00:01:34,356 side to side to side to side to side. 53 00:01:36,536 --> 00:01:37,536 You are charitable. 54 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:38,916 Sure. 55 00:01:39,053 --> 00:01:41,213 Oh, sweetie, come on, don't... don't tear the pictures. 56 00:01:41,260 --> 00:01:42,892 Do you really want to tear up all your memories? 57 00:01:42,916 --> 00:01:44,191 Look at the ass on me there. 58 00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:48,398 Look. Look at that one. Ugh. 59 00:01:48,536 --> 00:01:50,812 I look like one of those little dolls 60 00:01:50,949 --> 00:01:52,053 with the hair that sticks, 61 00:01:52,191 --> 00:01:53,871 you know, you play with them for good luck. 62 00:01:53,984 --> 00:01:55,104 What is wrong with my brain? 63 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,640 There's nothing wrong with your brain. 64 00:01:56,777 --> 00:01:58,398 Where's my book? What book? 65 00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,064 The book I was reading when I went into labor, 66 00:02:00,088 --> 00:02:01,226 with the bridges, 67 00:02:01,364 --> 00:02:02,846 the frisky lady on the farm. 68 00:02:02,984 --> 00:02:03,984 With the bridges and... 69 00:02:04,053 --> 00:02:05,053 I got no brain! 70 00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:07,512 Can I... Can I just say something? 71 00:02:07,536 --> 00:02:08,708 Where the hell is Fran? 72 00:02:08,846 --> 00:02:10,126 Do you remember what Sheila said? 73 00:02:10,191 --> 00:02:12,157 A lot of new moms, you know, it's very common 74 00:02:12,295 --> 00:02:13,949 to have a sort of a postpartum depression. 75 00:02:14,088 --> 00:02:15,742 Stop it! Stop it right there. 76 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,088 Kindly do not reduce me 77 00:02:17,226 --> 00:02:19,742 to some dime-store psychological cliche. 78 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,397 No, I'm not. I'm just say... 79 00:02:21,535 --> 00:02:23,215 Postpartum depression is about unhappiness, 80 00:02:23,295 --> 00:02:25,949 mood swings, anxiety, and weepiness, okay? 81 00:02:28,328 --> 00:02:29,466 I see your point. 82 00:02:30,673 --> 00:02:31,673 Trolls! What? 83 00:02:31,708 --> 00:02:33,259 The... with the... 84 00:02:33,397 --> 00:02:34,880 Trolls. Trolls. Good for you. 85 00:02:35,018 --> 00:02:36,880 Look at that, sweetie, huh? Hey. 86 00:02:37,018 --> 00:02:38,639 Come in for, like, 11 hours, would you? 87 00:02:39,363 --> 00:02:40,466 Everything okay? 88 00:02:40,604 --> 00:02:41,724 Well, I have nothing to read 89 00:02:41,811 --> 00:02:42,891 during my hair appointment, 90 00:02:43,017 --> 00:02:45,432 which, what's the point? Ever since Arturo left, 91 00:02:45,570 --> 00:02:47,170 I should've just bought a big, stupid hat 92 00:02:47,294 --> 00:02:48,294 and sewn it to my head. 93 00:02:49,535 --> 00:02:51,121 Okay, here's what you don't know. 94 00:02:51,259 --> 00:02:52,639 Arturo's back. 95 00:02:52,777 --> 00:02:54,983 What? He is back, baby. 96 00:02:55,121 --> 00:02:56,270 Yeah, but I'm not gonna see him. 97 00:02:56,294 --> 00:02:57,494 I'm seeing Julio, the butcher. 98 00:02:58,708 --> 00:02:59,810 I switched you. 99 00:03:00,708 --> 00:03:01,741 How did you do that? 100 00:03:01,879 --> 00:03:02,879 I'm a mover and a shaker, 101 00:03:02,914 --> 00:03:04,604 so I moved in, and I shook. 102 00:03:05,845 --> 00:03:07,052 I love you! I know. 103 00:03:07,190 --> 00:03:08,397 Oh, I love you! 104 00:03:08,535 --> 00:03:09,535 Good. 105 00:03:09,638 --> 00:03:10,914 You! I love you! 106 00:03:13,156 --> 00:03:15,087 I love everybody. 107 00:03:15,225 --> 00:03:17,569 Okay, you should go. I'm on Mabel duty. 108 00:03:17,707 --> 00:03:19,363 Mabel. I love Mabel. 109 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:20,638 Sure, you do. 110 00:03:20,776 --> 00:03:21,948 Hey, my book. 111 00:03:22,087 --> 00:03:23,087 Now, look at that. 112 00:03:25,052 --> 00:03:26,534 This is gonna be a good day. 113 00:03:26,672 --> 00:03:27,672 You bet it is. 114 00:03:28,638 --> 00:03:30,672 Postpartum depression. Pah. 115 00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:31,845 Pah! 116 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,362 ♪ Hold, monsters 117 00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:44,879 ♪ Ere your pirate caravans proceed 118 00:03:47,189 --> 00:03:49,500 Paul was right to choose her and not me. 119 00:03:49,638 --> 00:03:50,638 What an instrument. 120 00:03:53,051 --> 00:03:54,293 What? Nothing. 121 00:03:54,431 --> 00:03:55,431 Mrs. Buchman, 122 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,929 may I see you for a moment, please? 123 00:03:58,534 --> 00:04:00,648 Would you let it go already about not getting the part? 124 00:04:00,672 --> 00:04:02,741 I don't even know what you're talking about. 125 00:04:02,878 --> 00:04:04,120 She's doing her best. 126 00:04:04,258 --> 00:04:06,062 She doesn't need to be heckled by her own handmaidens. 127 00:04:06,086 --> 00:04:07,086 Fine. 128 00:04:08,051 --> 00:04:09,189 Thank you very much. 129 00:04:09,327 --> 00:04:10,327 Sorry, everybody. 130 00:04:10,396 --> 00:04:11,775 All right, Mrs. Sass, please. 131 00:04:13,602 --> 00:04:15,568 ♪ Hold, monsters 132 00:04:15,706 --> 00:04:18,637 ♪ Ere your pirate caravans proceed 133 00:04:18,775 --> 00:04:20,464 ♪ Against our will 134 00:04:20,602 --> 00:04:22,568 ♪ To wed us all 135 00:04:22,706 --> 00:04:24,155 ♪ Just bear in mind 136 00:04:24,293 --> 00:04:26,913 ♪ That we are wards in chancery 137 00:04:27,051 --> 00:04:31,016 ♪ And father is a major-general 138 00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:44,086 ♪ I am the very model 139 00:04:44,223 --> 00:04:46,637 ♪ Of a modern major-general 140 00:04:46,775 --> 00:04:49,947 ♪ I've information vegetable, animal, and... 141 00:04:51,326 --> 00:04:52,430 What do I say? 142 00:04:52,568 --> 00:04:53,809 Already you're lost? 143 00:04:53,946 --> 00:04:56,637 You got 4,000 words coming up here. 144 00:04:58,602 --> 00:04:59,602 It's, uh... 145 00:04:59,671 --> 00:05:00,671 Hold on a second. 146 00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:02,085 Mr. Edlin, Mr. Edlin. 147 00:05:04,361 --> 00:05:05,361 Um... 148 00:05:05,843 --> 00:05:06,843 Okay. 149 00:05:06,946 --> 00:05:09,119 You come out, you say, 150 00:05:09,257 --> 00:05:10,464 ♪ I've information, vegetable, 151 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,602 ♪ Animal and mineral 152 00:05:12,015 --> 00:05:13,015 Mineral! 153 00:05:13,085 --> 00:05:14,085 Of course. 154 00:05:14,154 --> 00:05:15,154 All right. 155 00:05:15,533 --> 00:05:16,533 Here we go. 156 00:05:26,188 --> 00:05:27,981 ♪ I am the very model 157 00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,257 ♪ Of a modern major-general 158 00:05:30,394 --> 00:05:33,188 ♪ I've information vegetable, animal 159 00:05:33,325 --> 00:05:34,912 ♪ And mineral 160 00:05:35,050 --> 00:05:36,705 ♪ I know the kings of England 161 00:05:36,843 --> 00:05:39,085 ♪ And I quote the fights hysterical 162 00:05:40,015 --> 00:05:41,877 Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, Pop. 163 00:05:42,015 --> 00:05:43,232 Let me just correct you there a second. 164 00:05:43,256 --> 00:05:44,946 What is it now? Sorry to bother you again. 165 00:05:45,085 --> 00:05:46,085 Hang on a second. 166 00:05:56,912 --> 00:05:58,187 It's, uh... 167 00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,285 It's "fights historical," not "fights hysterical." 168 00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:01,636 Really? Yeah. 169 00:06:01,774 --> 00:06:03,254 Oh, I think it should be "hysterical." 170 00:06:04,153 --> 00:06:05,233 What are you talking about? 171 00:06:05,325 --> 00:06:07,163 Well, you're in a fight, you're running around, 172 00:06:07,187 --> 00:06:08,773 you're stabbing people. 173 00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:09,911 You're hysterical! 174 00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,153 You make a very good point. 175 00:06:12,291 --> 00:06:13,911 Mr. Edlin, anti-exertion, please? 176 00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:15,980 Thank you. 177 00:06:22,187 --> 00:06:25,807 Ahh, how are my two beauties? 178 00:06:25,945 --> 00:06:28,256 Wonderful, Arturo. I can't wait for you to fix me up, 179 00:06:28,394 --> 00:06:29,566 you genius, you. 180 00:06:29,704 --> 00:06:31,187 Jamie, I am not a genius. 181 00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:34,084 I merely liberate the beauty that is already within you. 182 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:36,635 Okay, be more charming. 183 00:06:36,773 --> 00:06:37,842 No, it's true. 184 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,460 I cannot help but see the gorgeousness 185 00:06:39,497 --> 00:06:40,876 whether you're a young sapling 186 00:06:41,014 --> 00:06:42,054 Just starting out in life, 187 00:06:42,118 --> 00:06:44,084 or a maturing oak, 188 00:06:44,221 --> 00:06:46,324 whose leaves are beginning to turn. 189 00:06:51,324 --> 00:06:52,324 Arturo. 190 00:06:52,393 --> 00:06:53,393 I walk away. 191 00:06:58,945 --> 00:07:00,704 This is my practice hair. 192 00:07:06,083 --> 00:07:07,083 I'm sorry? 193 00:07:07,738 --> 00:07:08,910 For my wedding. 194 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,875 My boyfriend... 195 00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:14,324 My fiancé Russell and I are getting married. 196 00:07:14,462 --> 00:07:15,462 Congratulations. 197 00:07:15,566 --> 00:07:16,737 We're very happy. 198 00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:18,737 Good for you. 199 00:07:18,875 --> 00:07:19,875 Are you married? 200 00:07:19,979 --> 00:07:20,979 Oh, yeah. 201 00:07:23,083 --> 00:07:24,255 Yep. 202 00:07:24,393 --> 00:07:26,186 I'm married. 203 00:07:26,324 --> 00:07:27,428 You betcha. 204 00:07:27,910 --> 00:07:28,910 Mm-hmm. 205 00:07:28,944 --> 00:07:31,013 And he's great. He really is. 206 00:07:31,461 --> 00:07:32,668 He tries. 207 00:07:32,806 --> 00:07:34,013 Especially with the kid. 208 00:07:34,152 --> 00:07:35,875 Oh, he cleans up a mess or two, 209 00:07:36,013 --> 00:07:37,186 Here and there, 210 00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:38,644 and I'm supposed to give him a standing ovation. 211 00:07:38,668 --> 00:07:41,599 Thank you. Oh, thank you! 212 00:07:41,737 --> 00:07:44,217 While I'm stuck here all day cleaning up projectile everything, 213 00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:45,599 but you, go, go, 214 00:07:45,737 --> 00:07:47,254 Off to work on your film, 215 00:07:47,392 --> 00:07:48,992 putting together the oldest possible cast 216 00:07:49,117 --> 00:07:50,117 Of pirates of penzance. 217 00:07:50,185 --> 00:07:51,772 Mmm, gotta go, it's for charity. 218 00:07:51,910 --> 00:07:53,083 See you later. 219 00:07:57,116 --> 00:07:58,196 So I get half an hour here, 220 00:07:58,220 --> 00:07:59,260 before I have to race home 221 00:07:59,358 --> 00:08:01,427 so that his daughter can actually suck on me. 222 00:08:02,116 --> 00:08:04,806 Fifteen times a day. 223 00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:06,230 I don't have enough energy to use a q-tip, 224 00:08:06,254 --> 00:08:07,644 let alone put together a photo album, 225 00:08:07,668 --> 00:08:10,047 featuring me and my magic stomach. 226 00:08:10,185 --> 00:08:12,289 Your body? Ho ho. No, no. That's over. 227 00:08:12,427 --> 00:08:14,771 That's just gone forever, which is fine, actually, 228 00:08:14,909 --> 00:08:17,403 'cause it's not like you ever want him to touch you again anyway. 229 00:08:17,427 --> 00:08:19,547 I'd just as soon stab his eyes out with a shrimp fork. 230 00:08:25,943 --> 00:08:27,223 How many bridesmaids you having? 231 00:08:41,426 --> 00:08:43,185 ♪ I am the very model 232 00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:45,288 ♪ Of a modern major-general 233 00:08:45,426 --> 00:08:47,874 ♪ I've information vegetable, animal 234 00:08:48,012 --> 00:08:49,391 ♪ And mineral 235 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,529 ♪ I know the kings of England 236 00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:54,633 ♪ And I quote the fights historical 237 00:08:54,771 --> 00:08:56,840 ♪ From marathon to waterloo 238 00:08:56,978 --> 00:08:58,529 ♪ In order categorical 239 00:08:58,667 --> 00:08:59,667 Good, Pop. 240 00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:01,667 I know! I can't believe it. 241 00:09:01,805 --> 00:09:02,805 Tell me later. 242 00:09:03,150 --> 00:09:04,633 Um... 243 00:09:04,771 --> 00:09:07,288 ♪ I'm very well-acquainted, too 244 00:09:07,426 --> 00:09:09,633 ♪ With matters mathematical 245 00:09:09,771 --> 00:09:11,322 ♪ I understand equations 246 00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,942 ♪ Both the simple and quadratical 247 00:09:14,081 --> 00:09:15,771 ♪ About binomial theorem 248 00:09:15,908 --> 00:09:18,942 ♪ I am teeming with a lot of news 249 00:09:19,081 --> 00:09:20,839 ♪ With many cheerful facts 250 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:25,115 ♪ About the square of the hypotenuse 251 00:09:25,253 --> 00:09:26,608 With many cheerful facts 252 00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:28,942 ♪ About the square of the hypotenuse ♪ 253 00:09:29,081 --> 00:09:30,873 Good. That was good. That was great, Pop. 254 00:09:31,942 --> 00:09:33,046 That was very good. 255 00:09:33,184 --> 00:09:34,184 Hang on one second. 256 00:09:34,253 --> 00:09:35,539 One little... hang on one second. 257 00:09:35,563 --> 00:09:37,426 One little thing... Hold it just one second. 258 00:09:41,701 --> 00:09:42,770 You're supposed to be... 259 00:09:42,908 --> 00:09:44,219 Mr. Edlin! 260 00:09:44,356 --> 00:09:45,425 Thank you, thank you. 261 00:09:50,115 --> 00:09:51,115 Sorry. 262 00:09:52,115 --> 00:09:53,942 When you get to "lot o' news," 263 00:09:54,081 --> 00:09:56,425 you can't find a word that rhymes right away. 264 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:58,123 What you want to do is think about it... 265 00:09:58,149 --> 00:09:59,149 ♪ A lot o' news ♪ 266 00:09:59,218 --> 00:10:00,218 ♪ A lot o' news ♪ 267 00:10:00,321 --> 00:10:01,539 Like in your mind you're thinking, 268 00:10:01,563 --> 00:10:02,642 what rhymes with "lot o' news"? 269 00:10:02,666 --> 00:10:04,735 Then you realize... ♪ hypotenuse ♪ 270 00:10:04,873 --> 00:10:06,321 But I don't have to think about it. 271 00:10:06,459 --> 00:10:08,139 The guy who wrote it had to think about it. 272 00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:11,528 Of course, yes. But in the story, 273 00:10:11,666 --> 00:10:13,976 the idea is that the character is making it up 274 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,986 As he goes along, so he's got to think about it. 275 00:10:16,010 --> 00:10:17,597 That's it. That's why. Come on. 276 00:10:17,735 --> 00:10:18,907 That's what it is. 277 00:10:20,321 --> 00:10:21,321 What do you know? 278 00:10:21,425 --> 00:10:22,425 Oh, yeah, absolutely. 279 00:10:22,528 --> 00:10:24,494 But you did great. You're just doing great. 280 00:10:24,632 --> 00:10:27,356 Pirates, very spirited. Really very good. 281 00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:29,287 And maidens, just... 282 00:10:29,425 --> 00:10:31,494 Demure and yet fetching. 283 00:10:32,218 --> 00:10:33,596 Yes. 284 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:34,848 It's wonderful. I'll tell you, 285 00:10:34,872 --> 00:10:36,907 I, for one, I smell a hit, people. 286 00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:44,769 Wow, that's a great haircut. 287 00:10:44,907 --> 00:10:46,010 I left before the haircut. 288 00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,252 Well... Okay. 289 00:10:49,389 --> 00:10:51,389 So, guess what I did on the way home. 290 00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:53,941 I stopped off to see 2 old friends of ours. 291 00:10:55,562 --> 00:10:56,769 Ben and jerry! 292 00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,493 Yes! 293 00:10:59,286 --> 00:11:01,562 Hello, boys, how you been? 294 00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:02,872 Yeah. 295 00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:04,803 The world's best vanilla. 296 00:11:04,941 --> 00:11:06,079 Oh, you really are. 297 00:11:06,217 --> 00:11:07,217 Yes! 298 00:11:07,286 --> 00:11:08,286 Chubby hubby. 299 00:11:08,355 --> 00:11:09,769 And yet I bought it. 300 00:11:09,907 --> 00:11:11,148 You are a good man. 301 00:11:11,286 --> 00:11:13,355 I understand. All right, so listen to this. 302 00:11:13,493 --> 00:11:14,572 We get through the first act 303 00:11:14,596 --> 00:11:16,320 in a blazing five and a half hours. 304 00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:17,906 All right, so I'm thrilled, 305 00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:19,389 I'm delighted. 306 00:11:19,527 --> 00:11:20,778 I'm leaving you for Ben. I hope you understand. 307 00:11:20,802 --> 00:11:25,148 Fine. So then, Mrs. Sass, the ingenue in the piece, 308 00:11:25,286 --> 00:11:26,320 she gets a phone call. 309 00:11:26,458 --> 00:11:27,538 She comes back from the phone call. 310 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,562 She says, "I have to quit the show." 311 00:11:29,699 --> 00:11:31,744 She quits four hours before the curtain. You believe this? 312 00:11:31,768 --> 00:11:33,940 So, I don't know, some cockamamie thing 313 00:11:34,079 --> 00:11:35,837 about her daughter who canceled her wedding 314 00:11:35,975 --> 00:11:37,335 because she was in a beauty parlor, 315 00:11:37,389 --> 00:11:38,906 and some lunatic woman. I don't know. 316 00:11:39,044 --> 00:11:40,217 Said something to her. 317 00:11:43,802 --> 00:11:46,217 I mean, it's like the craziest thing you ever heard. 318 00:11:46,355 --> 00:11:47,768 You gotta be kidding me. 319 00:11:47,906 --> 00:11:50,009 So now I gotta eat some ice cream, 320 00:11:50,148 --> 00:11:52,308 I gotta run back, I gotta beg my mother to do the part. 321 00:11:52,388 --> 00:11:54,802 That's gonna be another mallet to the kneecap 322 00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,561 of an already limping production. 323 00:11:59,733 --> 00:12:01,699 Aw, sweetie, it's okay. It's just a play. 324 00:12:04,147 --> 00:12:06,157 What, you're slowing down on your chubby hubby there. 325 00:12:06,181 --> 00:12:07,457 What's the matter? 326 00:12:07,595 --> 00:12:09,354 I don't deserve chubby hubby. 327 00:12:09,492 --> 00:12:10,847 Sure you do. Hey, try some of this. 328 00:12:10,871 --> 00:12:12,871 I don't deserve the world's best vanilla. 329 00:12:13,008 --> 00:12:14,848 Yeah, sure you... Why, because of the calories? 330 00:12:14,974 --> 00:12:16,595 No, because I'm a bad person. 331 00:12:16,733 --> 00:12:19,181 What's that supposed to mean about the calories? 332 00:12:19,319 --> 00:12:21,295 No, no, nothing. I knew it was because you were a bad person. 333 00:12:21,319 --> 00:12:22,319 Give me that. 334 00:12:22,423 --> 00:12:23,468 I wasn't actually finished. 335 00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:25,078 It's 20,000 calories. 336 00:12:25,216 --> 00:12:27,181 This stuff is eating me alive! 337 00:12:28,974 --> 00:12:29,974 You know what? 338 00:12:30,043 --> 00:12:31,423 Who needs it? I don't need it. 339 00:12:32,492 --> 00:12:33,595 Okay. 340 00:12:33,732 --> 00:12:34,772 I have to get out of here. 341 00:12:34,836 --> 00:12:36,732 Let's go in the living room, huh? 342 00:12:36,870 --> 00:12:39,663 Raise Mabel well, and tell her a lot of stories about me. 343 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:40,905 What are you talking about? 344 00:12:41,043 --> 00:12:43,181 I like you. You're a nice man. You really are. 345 00:12:43,319 --> 00:12:45,079 I'm sorry it didn't work out. I blame myself. 346 00:12:46,594 --> 00:12:48,939 There's $200 hidden in the Al Franken book. 347 00:12:49,078 --> 00:12:50,905 Listen, you cannot walk out the door. 348 00:12:51,043 --> 00:12:52,043 Ha. 349 00:12:52,112 --> 00:12:53,767 Honey, honey, let me just say I'm sorry. 350 00:12:53,905 --> 00:12:55,078 I'm really... I'm very sorry. 351 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:57,767 About what? 352 00:12:57,905 --> 00:12:59,465 See, that I couldn't tell you. Good-bye. 353 00:13:00,836 --> 00:13:02,078 You can't... you can't leave. 354 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:03,249 You're a mother now. 355 00:13:03,387 --> 00:13:05,732 I'm a lunatic. I'm a loose cannon. 356 00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:07,363 Trust me, everybody will be better off. 357 00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,594 You're not a lunatic. 358 00:13:08,732 --> 00:13:11,077 Listen, you are the heart and soul of this operation. 359 00:13:11,215 --> 00:13:13,111 You're the backbone. You cannot leave. 360 00:13:16,249 --> 00:13:17,249 You're right. Get out. 361 00:13:18,284 --> 00:13:19,284 What? 362 00:13:19,387 --> 00:13:20,387 Go on, beat it. 363 00:13:20,525 --> 00:13:21,605 I'm sick of the sight of you. 364 00:13:21,629 --> 00:13:23,456 Hey, look what some psycho did. 365 00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,111 This stuff's like $6.00 a carton. 366 00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:33,594 Uh-oh. 367 00:13:39,284 --> 00:13:41,111 A, e, ah, oh, ooh. 368 00:13:41,249 --> 00:13:42,869 A, e, ah, oh, ooh. 369 00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:44,731 A, e, ah, oh... 370 00:13:44,869 --> 00:13:45,938 You okay, Pop? 371 00:13:46,077 --> 00:13:48,697 I'm okay. I'm just doing my vocal exercise. 372 00:13:48,835 --> 00:13:50,593 You know, the vowel sounds. Good. 373 00:13:50,731 --> 00:13:52,318 A, e, ah, oh, ooh. 374 00:13:52,455 --> 00:13:53,835 And sometimes "y." 375 00:13:53,973 --> 00:13:55,146 "Y." 376 00:13:55,904 --> 00:13:57,662 All right, very good. 377 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,077 All right, just the person I'm looking for. 378 00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:01,215 Forget it. 379 00:14:01,352 --> 00:14:02,352 Oh, come on, ma. 380 00:14:02,421 --> 00:14:03,742 You know you want to play the part. 381 00:14:03,766 --> 00:14:05,317 Once, maybe. Not anymore. 382 00:14:06,904 --> 00:14:07,973 Look, you know what, ma? 383 00:14:08,111 --> 00:14:09,662 Let me explain to you. 384 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,283 I would've made a wonderful pirate queen. 385 00:14:12,421 --> 00:14:15,869 I would've known my lines backwards and forwards. 386 00:14:16,007 --> 00:14:17,524 If you had cast me. 387 00:14:17,662 --> 00:14:18,662 But you didn't. 388 00:14:18,766 --> 00:14:21,800 And now, do you think David O. Selznick 389 00:14:21,937 --> 00:14:23,317 Went up to Vivian Leigh 390 00:14:23,455 --> 00:14:25,317 five Minutes before the civil war 391 00:14:25,455 --> 00:14:28,903 and asked her if she wanted to be in Gone With the Wind? 392 00:14:29,041 --> 00:14:30,937 You know what? If you don't want to do it, fine. 393 00:14:31,076 --> 00:14:33,524 I'm gonna go over and ask Mrs. Menken. 394 00:14:33,662 --> 00:14:36,937 Don't do that to her. She's nervous enough already. 395 00:14:37,696 --> 00:14:38,696 All right, Mrs. Emsh. 396 00:14:38,730 --> 00:14:39,730 No! 397 00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:41,799 She has to keep her feet elevated. 398 00:14:43,214 --> 00:14:44,654 Fine, you know what I'm gonna do, ma? 399 00:14:44,730 --> 00:14:46,770 I'm gonna go out there, and I am going to apologize, 400 00:14:46,799 --> 00:14:49,317 and I'm going to explain to the nice people in the audience 401 00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:51,214 and to the little sisters of the blind 402 00:14:51,352 --> 00:14:53,283 that, go home, everybody, 403 00:14:53,421 --> 00:14:55,592 there will be no performance tonight. 404 00:14:55,730 --> 00:14:56,730 All right. 405 00:14:58,937 --> 00:15:00,041 What? I'll do it. 406 00:15:00,179 --> 00:15:02,179 I'll be your pirate queen. 407 00:15:02,316 --> 00:15:03,558 Really? 408 00:15:03,696 --> 00:15:06,110 Yeah, I'll tape the lines to Mr. Balsky's parrot. 409 00:15:08,076 --> 00:15:10,006 See? Where there's a will, there's a way. 410 00:15:10,145 --> 00:15:11,316 But only because 411 00:15:11,454 --> 00:15:12,972 I don't want my son to look bad. 412 00:15:13,110 --> 00:15:14,213 You're a wonderful person. 413 00:15:14,351 --> 00:15:16,868 Just promise me I won't humiliate myself. 414 00:15:17,006 --> 00:15:18,420 Yukka yukka yukka. 415 00:15:18,558 --> 00:15:20,109 Yukka yukka yukka yukka. 416 00:15:20,247 --> 00:15:22,489 I don't think you have to worry about that, ma. 417 00:15:28,005 --> 00:15:29,799 You know, you pour your life into a child. 418 00:15:29,936 --> 00:15:30,936 I know. 419 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,730 You die for them a thousand times over 420 00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:34,603 Just so they'll have a chance to live and be happy. 421 00:15:34,627 --> 00:15:36,178 I know. 422 00:15:36,316 --> 00:15:37,534 Then you see them standing on the brink of that happiness. 423 00:15:37,558 --> 00:15:38,729 Yeah. 424 00:15:38,867 --> 00:15:40,587 Some freak comes along and ruins everything. 425 00:15:41,558 --> 00:15:42,558 Mom... 426 00:15:42,660 --> 00:15:44,902 Destroys a young girl's life. 427 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,040 Not to mention a perfectly good production 428 00:15:47,178 --> 00:15:48,557 of the Pirates of Penzance. 429 00:15:49,454 --> 00:15:50,695 Mrs. Sass, Roberta, 430 00:15:50,833 --> 00:15:53,144 I'm sorry. I really am. 431 00:15:53,282 --> 00:15:55,040 I'm going through a... 432 00:15:55,178 --> 00:15:56,671 I don't know what it is. I just had a baby... 433 00:15:56,695 --> 00:15:58,488 Postpartum depression. 434 00:15:58,626 --> 00:16:01,213 I... I really... I just resist that label. 435 00:16:01,350 --> 00:16:02,350 Are you postpartum? 436 00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:03,626 Yeah. 437 00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:04,729 Are you in a depression? 438 00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:05,798 Yeah. 439 00:16:05,867 --> 00:16:07,247 All right. 440 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,040 It goes away, you know. 441 00:16:10,144 --> 00:16:11,315 Really? 442 00:16:11,453 --> 00:16:13,533 My daughter's 24 years old. You know when mine ended? 443 00:16:13,626 --> 00:16:14,626 Mrs. Sass. 444 00:16:14,764 --> 00:16:16,084 6 Months ago when she got engaged. 445 00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:18,626 And now, guess what. 446 00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:19,660 What's that? 447 00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:20,729 It's back. 448 00:16:21,212 --> 00:16:22,557 I understand. 449 00:16:22,695 --> 00:16:24,764 So help me out here. Make my joy return. 450 00:16:27,384 --> 00:16:28,384 Roberta, 451 00:16:28,453 --> 00:16:29,833 um, 452 00:16:29,970 --> 00:16:31,660 In spite of my little tirade 453 00:16:31,798 --> 00:16:33,246 at the beauty parlor, 454 00:16:33,384 --> 00:16:35,315 I love my husband very much. 455 00:16:35,970 --> 00:16:36,970 Really? 456 00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,074 Absolutely. 457 00:16:38,212 --> 00:16:40,626 That's exactly what we came to hear. 458 00:16:40,763 --> 00:16:42,074 Okay, can we call Russell? 459 00:16:42,212 --> 00:16:43,212 I don't know. 460 00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:45,728 Roberta, 461 00:16:45,866 --> 00:16:48,143 marrying Paul and having his child 462 00:16:48,281 --> 00:16:50,832 are the two smartest things I ever did in my life. 463 00:16:51,315 --> 00:16:52,315 You mean it? 464 00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,212 Isn't that sweet? 465 00:16:55,350 --> 00:16:56,350 All right? 466 00:16:57,901 --> 00:16:59,625 Well, i... Close enough. 467 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,521 ♪ Hold, monsters, ere your pr... 468 00:17:12,659 --> 00:17:14,832 ♪ Pirate caravans proceed 469 00:17:14,970 --> 00:17:17,349 ♪ To wed us all 470 00:17:19,970 --> 00:17:22,763 Mr. Barsky, your parrot. 471 00:17:24,797 --> 00:17:26,487 ♪ Just... ♪ Just bear in mind 472 00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:29,107 ♪ That we are wards ♪ In chancery 473 00:17:29,245 --> 00:17:30,349 Thank you. 474 00:17:30,487 --> 00:17:33,590 ♪ And father is a major-general 475 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,418 ♪ I am the very model 476 00:17:45,556 --> 00:17:47,831 ♪ Of a modern major-general 477 00:17:47,969 --> 00:17:50,590 ♪ I've information vegetable, animal 478 00:17:50,727 --> 00:17:51,900 and mineral 479 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,383 ♪ I know the kings of England ♪ 480 00:17:53,521 --> 00:17:55,487 Hi. Hi. 481 00:17:57,693 --> 00:17:59,073 Hi. How you doing? 482 00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,038 How's it going so far? 483 00:18:01,176 --> 00:18:03,727 Oh, Gilbert would gouge Sullivan's eyes out. 484 00:18:05,245 --> 00:18:07,176 ♪ I understand equations 485 00:18:07,314 --> 00:18:09,762 ♪ Both the simple and quadratical 486 00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:11,520 ♪ About binomial theorem 487 00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:14,934 ♪ I am teeming with a lot of news 488 00:18:15,073 --> 00:18:16,073 Lot o' news? 489 00:18:16,727 --> 00:18:17,727 Lot o' news? 490 00:18:18,624 --> 00:18:19,624 Lot o' news. 491 00:18:19,693 --> 00:18:20,693 Paul. 492 00:18:21,313 --> 00:18:22,313 I told him to do that. 493 00:18:22,451 --> 00:18:23,727 He's acting. You believe it? 494 00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:26,072 Lot of news. 495 00:18:26,210 --> 00:18:27,210 Well, he's brilliant. 496 00:18:29,624 --> 00:18:30,693 Lot o' news? 497 00:18:30,831 --> 00:18:31,934 Oh, boy. 498 00:18:32,072 --> 00:18:33,589 Sing something. 499 00:18:37,486 --> 00:18:40,520 ♪ And I should probably sing something 500 00:18:40,658 --> 00:18:42,968 ♪ I mean, what have I got to lose? ♪ 501 00:18:43,106 --> 00:18:44,944 ♪ And he should probably sing something 502 00:18:44,968 --> 00:18:47,244 ♪ I mean, what has he ♪ got to lose? 503 00:18:48,968 --> 00:18:50,037 ♪ I... 504 00:18:50,175 --> 00:18:53,210 ♪ Used to be in sporting goods 505 00:18:53,348 --> 00:18:55,279 ♪ But then I gave the place away 506 00:18:56,555 --> 00:18:58,864 ♪ I'm in semi-retirement 507 00:18:59,002 --> 00:19:01,348 ♪ Let me tell you that's okay 508 00:19:01,486 --> 00:19:03,382 ♪ My son's the big director 509 00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:06,313 ♪ And he's standing in the back somewhere 510 00:19:06,450 --> 00:19:08,485 ♪ And there's his wife named Jamie 511 00:19:08,623 --> 00:19:10,761 ♪ Look at that, she's got some pretty hair 512 00:19:11,864 --> 00:19:13,795 ♪ Our Paul was such a good boy 513 00:19:13,933 --> 00:19:16,175 ♪ We had nothing to complain about 514 00:19:16,312 --> 00:19:18,347 ♪ Except one time we came home early 515 00:19:18,485 --> 00:19:19,645 ♪ And he had his shmekkie out 516 00:19:22,485 --> 00:19:24,426 ♪ Except one time he came home early 517 00:19:24,450 --> 00:19:26,140 ♪ And he had his shmekkie out ♪ 518 00:19:28,485 --> 00:19:31,209 ♪ In short, in matters vegetable, animal 519 00:19:31,347 --> 00:19:32,347 ♪ And mineral 520 00:19:32,450 --> 00:19:33,726 ♪ I am the very model 521 00:19:33,864 --> 00:19:35,416 ♪ Of the modern major-general 522 00:19:35,554 --> 00:19:37,519 ♪ In short, in matters vegetable 523 00:19:37,657 --> 00:19:39,105 ♪ Animal and mineral 524 00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:40,932 ♪ He is the very model of 525 00:19:41,071 --> 00:19:46,829 ♪ The modern major-general ♪ 526 00:19:55,174 --> 00:19:57,140 That was the single greatest evening 527 00:19:57,278 --> 00:19:58,794 I've ever spent in the theater. 528 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:03,174 Yeah, the pirates who humiliated their son. 529 00:20:06,001 --> 00:20:07,036 Let's see, 530 00:20:07,174 --> 00:20:09,484 Complain about, complain about. 531 00:20:09,622 --> 00:20:11,622 What in world rhymes with complain? 532 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:12,760 Oh, I got it! 533 00:20:12,829 --> 00:20:14,071 Shmekkie out. 534 00:20:17,415 --> 00:20:18,415 Just explain to me, 535 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:21,518 why would the man's mind even go there? 536 00:20:21,656 --> 00:20:23,725 Why there? I've done so many wonderful things 537 00:20:23,863 --> 00:20:25,001 in my life. 538 00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,140 He could've summoned up 539 00:20:26,277 --> 00:20:28,553 I won a spelling bee one time. 540 00:20:28,691 --> 00:20:30,691 I had a paper route. 541 00:20:30,829 --> 00:20:32,553 By the way, rhymes with complain about. 542 00:20:34,311 --> 00:20:35,380 I took the garbage out. 543 00:20:36,173 --> 00:20:37,173 I was a nice cub scout. 544 00:20:37,311 --> 00:20:38,932 All these things he chose to ignore. 545 00:20:39,070 --> 00:20:41,380 I found it a very educational evening. 546 00:20:41,518 --> 00:20:42,758 Yeah. You know what we learned? 547 00:20:42,829 --> 00:20:43,897 Here's what we learned. 548 00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:45,760 If you're 11 and you're alone in your room, 549 00:20:45,897 --> 00:20:47,794 lock your doors, people. 550 00:20:52,931 --> 00:20:54,553 All right, let's take it easy. 551 00:20:54,691 --> 00:20:56,793 So I can never go out of the house again. Ever. 552 00:20:56,931 --> 00:20:59,139 Come on. Let's just laugh it off and move on. 553 00:20:59,277 --> 00:21:01,586 It's so true. No good deed goes unpunished. 554 00:21:01,724 --> 00:21:03,070 Look at it this way. 555 00:21:03,208 --> 00:21:04,735 Aren't you happy your parents love you so much, 556 00:21:04,759 --> 00:21:06,311 They want to share every detail... 557 00:21:06,449 --> 00:21:08,346 Don't... don't... don't do that. 558 00:21:08,483 --> 00:21:09,931 Don't put a happy face on this. 559 00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:11,870 Would you let me have this? I'm depressed now. 560 00:21:11,931 --> 00:21:13,173 Well, snap out of it already. 561 00:21:27,173 --> 00:21:28,862 ♪ Now the show is done 562 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,310 ♪ And we can all watch as the credits roll 563 00:21:31,448 --> 00:21:33,310 ♪ They have a list of all the folks 564 00:21:33,448 --> 00:21:35,655 ♪ Who work here, see, it's on a scroll 565 00:21:35,793 --> 00:21:37,276 ♪ Look at all the people 566 00:21:37,414 --> 00:21:39,552 ♪ That it takes to make a TV show 567 00:21:39,690 --> 00:21:40,931 ♪ Sixty-four of them 568 00:21:41,069 --> 00:21:43,241 ♪ I gotta tell you I don't even know 569 00:21:43,379 --> 00:21:45,172 ♪ This song is stuck within my head 570 00:21:45,310 --> 00:21:47,069 ♪ There's no way I can go to bed 571 00:21:47,207 --> 00:21:48,965 ♪ Let's ask this man whose name is Ed 572 00:21:49,103 --> 00:21:51,172 ♪ Is there another song instead? ♪ 573 00:21:56,723 --> 00:21:58,103 Thank you.